Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Top 10 crap presents for Christmas where you should have bought a book instead

Nothing infuriates people more than receiving a truly crap present. And I don’t mean a hand-knitted sweater from Aunt Mavis. I mean a useless, pointless gadget bought off one of those dodgy TV advertisements. Something you will never use and will instead collect dust for a year until you either throw it out or re-gift it.

If it’s all about the thought, not the actual present, what do these say?

``I was watching a stupid commercial featuring an annoying American voice-over that was plugging something pointless and stupid. And I immediately thought of you!’’

In every case, you should buy someone a book instead. Or at least a book voucher, if you are too lazy to go into a store and ask advice from the bookseller. And every bookseller worth their salt will be able to recommend something good for anyone.

In that spirit, I decided to compile a list of the most spectacularly crapulous gifts I have seen advertised this month.

If you get any of these on Christmas Day, you have my permission to go over, slap the person over the back of the head and say: ``You should have got me a book, instead!’’

1)      Buntastic fitness machine. Worth a double slap, because it says they think you’re also tubby as well as stupid. Trade it in and buy a book.

2)      Forever Comfy Cushion. Hit them with it instead. Buy a book!

3)      Slap Chop/Slice-o-matic. Use it on the giftee’s wobbly bits. They’ll give you a book next year then.

4)      Go-Go pillow for tablets. Beat them around the head and shoulders with it until you get a book.

5)      Flexible hose. Waterboard them until the book gets there.

6)      Aqua rug (nonslip fluffy rug for shower). Loofah them with it until you get a book.

7)      Ye Olde Lantern. They’re not a bright spark. Tell that dim person to give you a  book.

8)      Super steam cleaner. Boiling water and abrasive pads at hand? I’m sure you can think of some way to get a book out of them using that …

9)      Chillow cooling pillow/Cloud pillow. Smuffocate them until they agree to buy you a book. And they won’t even know that’s a word if they’ve got a fat pillow on their head.

10)   Schticky cleaner. Offer to de-hair their sensitive bits with it until they agree to get you a book.


And you get the idea…

I don’t call this a definitive list of crapulous gift ideas. But they’re certainly a giant, steaming pile. The sort you'd step over carefully and wonder what the owners were feeding that poor creature.

So you know what to do if you unwrap one of these … and if you’re actually thinking of buying one for someone, Buntastic yourself until you need a Forever Comfy pillow and then go out and buy a book, instead.

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